Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Happy New Year!

OK, 11 days too late, but happy new year to all my readers - all 3 of you plus a few random spambots no doubt;-) 'Tis 2012 already - my 41st year - er, yikes. I am very, very anti new years' resolutions in general; however, this year, I have endeavoured to have a dry January (going well thus far and surprisingly easy, even with parents in tow this weekend - last year within 20 mins of my Dad's arrival I had cracked open the merlot) and to take my time to find a decent, well paid job (again, going well thus far - well, the taking my time bit anyway).

It's always weird taking stock at this time of year - especially because it is invariably a cold, depressing and dank time of year and most of us are totally skint. I am about to make a shocking confession - I am quite enjoying being unemployed. I NEED to find a job ASAP - purely for financial reasons - but if I could be professionally unemployed I think I would be quite good at it. In the spirit of taking stock, here is my (entirely facetious) list of my goals for 2012:

Start a drug habit. Start with valium and barbiturates; work my way up to a crack pipe by March.

To become a Z list celebrity. To facilitate this, I am going to start going to Chinawhites in a micromini and boob tube and attempt to seduce some zelebrity - i.e. Dean Gaffney.

Make a sex tape with said celebrity (OK, I'm sorry - intense mind bleach needed).

To do the statutory zelebrity weight loss 'journey'. At the moment, I am a size 14. I intend to eat my way to a size 24, sell my story to 'Reveal' magazine and then get a free gastric bypass, pretend I did it all properly and then release a weight loss DVD (£24.99 in all bad retailers). My 'before' shot will be me looking lardy and miserable, the 'after' shot will be airbrushed to within an inch of its' life, covered in fake bake and with a gurning Kerry Katona style smile.

Rehab for said crack habit. Will relapse and end up in a pool of vomit in Chinawhites.

To honour my new status, I will take part in a celebrity show: 'Celebrity Dancing on Ice Karaoke sing off on a farm weight loss special'. I will win - thanks in most part to my agent - a spurious chap who also represents some bird that used to be in Liberty X and Lembit Opik.

Of course, this is all nonsense but it kept me entertained - if no-one else... What I really intend to do is more writing, less stress, cut down on booze after January; address various health issues head on and attempt to come off medication, more (or indeed some) exercise, join the gym (ha) and dust off my bicycle which hasn't seen my posterior perched on it since 2009...... Right, am off to join the 'Chinawhites' mailing list....

1 comment:

  1. You never fail to amuse me Sarah... you could be the next Mrs Mills in the Sunday Times Style mag!