Friday, 16 August 2013

Room 101 - PEOPLE TOP 3

I'm on a roll now. I'm also having a 'less than productive' week at work.

1. Samantha Roberts

Who? Samantha Roberts; the woman who has lost a recent high court battle to stop her son having life saving radiotherapy. No, I don't have children, and no, God forbid, if myself, or any of my friends were in a similar situation, it is difficult to know how reactions would manifest themselves; however, what I do know is that the child's welfare would be paramount and would come before incessant media appearances making me look increasingly unhinged. What's astonishing about this woman is her STAGGERING ignorance and inability to articulate even the most basic of rational arguments. She claims that she 'doesn't want Neon to know how ill he is', but she's more than happy to be glammed up to the nines on the Daybreak sofa every 10 minutes, telling us all in great detail anyway. She claims that there are several alternative therapies that have been used for years in Australia that don't involve damaging amounts of radiotherapy. When pressed further she 'wasn't sure exactly' what they are but they have an amazing success rate. She says that now he is undergoing conventional treatment he is 'not doing that well despite what the press is reporting'. This seems to contravene the general consensus that he is doing very well and well on the road to recovery. She says he is 'slurring his words' and 'not himself' - yes, he has a brain tumour! I realise that chemo and radiotherapy are very very fraught with side effects (especially for a child) but they are PROVEN methods of curing this bastard disease and certainly have a lot higher efficacy rate than green tea and flotation tanks. The NHS has many flaws, but ultimately it knows what it is doing, and has done it for many years.

What is most despicable in this woman's crusade, is her assertion that she is concerned that radiotherapy will render her child infertile, thus destroying her chances of having grandchildren. Oh dear me. Firstly, he's not going to be providing much in the way of grandchildren if he's dead. Secondly, he might not go on to have or want children in any case. Is that your primary motivator? Your absurd ego and wish to 'carry on the family line'? Also he has a twin sister who might go on to have children so it's not as if Neon is her only hope in this respect. This woman is simply a selfish, irresponsible egotist. As an additional point, as a woman who is so anti science, she named her children after components of chemical elements (the sister has an equally silly name which escapes me now). I just hope these children grow up healthy and happy and are not too damaged by their fame hungry, silly Mother.

2. Katie Hopkins

Daily Mail's troll de jour whose sole purpose in life is to say the most controversial thing to get a reaction and keep the Daily Mail's avid readership chomping at the bit. Rabid Tory who despises fat people, the poor and anybody working class who might be called Chantelle. Says it's common to call your children after geographical locations despite calling one of her daughters India. Most recently criticised Kelly Brook for being 'fat'. Kelly is never going to win Mastermind and my left arm is probably a better actress; however, she is nothing resembling fat - she has a fantastic womanly shape and a pair of tits grown men and women can only weep over. Hopkins might be slim but she has a face like a cancerous potato and is about as charming and appealing as the corpse of Idi Amin. Also has a propensity to drop her knickers for any old hooray Henry that is willing. Again, I hope her children grow up healthy and happy and actually disown the old crone.

3. Chris Brown

Wife beating prannet who seems to display astonishing levels of self entitlement and immaturity. Instead of learning from his experiences (and subsequent punishment) when he beat up then girlfriend Rihanna, seems to have reverted to type as a charmless, virulent thug. with constant tales of drink driving, brawls in clubs and glassings. He seems unable to go the toilet without getting embroiled in a fight with his own reflection. He is simply a weeping sore on the anus of humanity.

Room 101 - a continuing theme

1. The word 'panty'.

No; it's knickers, pants, undercrackers or pantaloons. Panty is a hideously twee word, conjuring up images of old men lined up in department stores sniffing gussets (or perhaps that's just me). As a logical conclusion - panty liners.... Ew. Just the name is enough to make me rage. This is a word that should be consigned to history FOREVER.

2. Sanitary towel adverts

'Have a happy period'. Yes, as I sit in agony whilst my womb contracts and I have murderous, irrational thoughts and steam pile my way through 14 galaxy bars, I feel delightedly content. I have several issues with most sanitary product advertising. Firstly, the blue liquid they use... Come ON - these things are designed for periods - periods involve blood - which is RED. Stop being so bloody stupid. Periods literally make the world go round - why cover it up? The latest ones from Always seem to be correlating sanitary towels with silk scarves as women hold the towels up to their faces and look whimsically to camera. I don't care what these things look like or what material they're made of - THEY ARE JUST GOING IN MY KNICKERS, I'M NOT WEARING THEM AS FASHION ACCESSORIES FOR FUCK'S SAKE. Frankly, I'm just happy to use anything that stops those hideous accidents you get as a teen where you stuff your 'panties' in the washing machine due to 'overflow'. It's really the tweeness and the message that periods are nice fluffy things that can just be assuaged with a bit of 'silk' stuffed in your pants that is embarrassingly contrived and wrong. Periods are horrible, painful things and advertising for these products should be practical and to the point 'these will stop you getting blood on your clothes when you're on the blob. If you feel murderous, keep away from your husband'. I might write a pitch...

3. Boob jobs

I'm not talking mastectomy's (obviously) or cases where self esteem decrees them a necessity - (i.e. an anorexic whose breasts never grew as a teen etc). I'm talking about this proliferation of boob jobs that seem to have sprung up from nowhere over the last 10 years or so. Women as young as 19 are queuing up to have their tits stuffed with huge sacs of silicone....  Mainly, they look terrible, particularly if the women are especially skinny but have massive tits busting out all over the place (Victoria Beckham a few years ago being a case in point). People like the ghastly Katie Price have made this fashionable and many young girls actually aspire to forget their education, get their tits done and earn money. Scarily depressing. As an aside, I was watching an old TOTP the other day and Pan's People all had quite small breasts but they looked in proportion.. They weren't actually *that* small, I guess we've just become desensitised to these big silly fake norks. How sad.

Thursday, 15 August 2013

My own Room 101 - top 3

Thanks to Sarah Miles for this rather inspiring idea for a chance to rant... Has to be said though, that it is rather difficult to pick just 3 things that I would like to banish forever, and it would be easy to pick say 3 celebrities (yes, Katie Price would be number 1). So, here goes:

1. Hair extensions

I do not understand the popularity of these strange adornments. Yes, I have quite thick hair and am quite lucky in that respect, but why are you relying on 3rd world orphans to provide you with a head of lustrous hair - why not - shock horror, grow it naturally, or get a decent haircut? No matter how expensive, no matter how famous the celebrity head that they are displayed upon; they look vile and you can ALWAYS see the line where they have been sewn in. Mostly, they look like sheets of cheap tatty nylon; totally synthetic. (Disclaimer - the only exception to this rule might be if people who lose their hair through illness, i.e. cancer patients use them as a 'pep up')

2. Geese

Geese are the beasts of Satan - FACT. They terrify me; ever since as a wee 3 year old, I tried to feed one a piece of mouldy bread (ever the philanthropist even as a young child, obvs) and the bastard thing bit my little finger, hard. If I see one, even at a distance, I develop a cold sweat and get the shakes.

3. Botox

Worried about getting old? Why not inject yourself with some carciogenic rat poison and leave your face immobile? Similar to hair extensions, no matter how expensive, botox always looks terrible - waxy, sheeny and false. I'm a great believer in making the best of what God has (or indeed hasn't), bestowed upon us - healthy eating, exercise, make up, even a bit (OK a lot) of hair dye, but why is society so obsessed with eradicating the signs of age? Nobody looks improved afterwards - Kylie now resembles a china doll and as examples of how it can REALLY go wrong - step forward Priscilla Presley and the fantastic Joan Rivers. Wrinkles are a sign of a life well lived and I'm buggered if I'm arsed about looking my age. (Please quote me on this in 2 years)...