Friday, 16 August 2013

Room 101 - a continuing theme

1. The word 'panty'.

No; it's knickers, pants, undercrackers or pantaloons. Panty is a hideously twee word, conjuring up images of old men lined up in department stores sniffing gussets (or perhaps that's just me). As a logical conclusion - panty liners.... Ew. Just the name is enough to make me rage. This is a word that should be consigned to history FOREVER.

2. Sanitary towel adverts

'Have a happy period'. Yes, as I sit in agony whilst my womb contracts and I have murderous, irrational thoughts and steam pile my way through 14 galaxy bars, I feel delightedly content. I have several issues with most sanitary product advertising. Firstly, the blue liquid they use... Come ON - these things are designed for periods - periods involve blood - which is RED. Stop being so bloody stupid. Periods literally make the world go round - why cover it up? The latest ones from Always seem to be correlating sanitary towels with silk scarves as women hold the towels up to their faces and look whimsically to camera. I don't care what these things look like or what material they're made of - THEY ARE JUST GOING IN MY KNICKERS, I'M NOT WEARING THEM AS FASHION ACCESSORIES FOR FUCK'S SAKE. Frankly, I'm just happy to use anything that stops those hideous accidents you get as a teen where you stuff your 'panties' in the washing machine due to 'overflow'. It's really the tweeness and the message that periods are nice fluffy things that can just be assuaged with a bit of 'silk' stuffed in your pants that is embarrassingly contrived and wrong. Periods are horrible, painful things and advertising for these products should be practical and to the point 'these will stop you getting blood on your clothes when you're on the blob. If you feel murderous, keep away from your husband'. I might write a pitch...

3. Boob jobs

I'm not talking mastectomy's (obviously) or cases where self esteem decrees them a necessity - (i.e. an anorexic whose breasts never grew as a teen etc). I'm talking about this proliferation of boob jobs that seem to have sprung up from nowhere over the last 10 years or so. Women as young as 19 are queuing up to have their tits stuffed with huge sacs of silicone....  Mainly, they look terrible, particularly if the women are especially skinny but have massive tits busting out all over the place (Victoria Beckham a few years ago being a case in point). People like the ghastly Katie Price have made this fashionable and many young girls actually aspire to forget their education, get their tits done and earn money. Scarily depressing. As an aside, I was watching an old TOTP the other day and Pan's People all had quite small breasts but they looked in proportion.. They weren't actually *that* small, I guess we've just become desensitised to these big silly fake norks. How sad.

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