Womanhood

This is a topic that I've written about before and seems to be very much 'de jour' what with the likes of Caitlin Moran et al giving their input. The lovely Sarah Miles has asked me to blog something and as I haven't blogged since January, I thought it was high time I put pen to paper, quill to scroll, finger to mouse etc. (I'm not getting paid by the word, I just like rambling)....

I was quite surprised that I haven't blogged since January. I update my facebook status pretty much every time I have a bath, am always swearing (eruditely I like to think) on twitter and posting various reams of utter nonsense on showbiz forums so the fact that my blog, which in essence, should be my 'showcase' gets treated like an unwanted xmas present is perhaps rather telling. I do want to change this blog actually and make it more focused so watch this space (although don't expect much by December if my current laziness persists)...

I am no doubt repeating things wot I have already wrote (innit) but 1) you probably haven't read this before and 2) if you have it was so long ago that I last posted you may well have forgotten (phew). The essence of this blog post is about modern notions of womanhood/feminism (call it what you will) and how far we have come - or indeed haven't. It was mainly inspired by a rant I wrote in response to Nick Ross (Crimewatch stalwart) who recently claimed that: 'Rape isn't always rape'. This followed a very silly recent diatribe by 'national treasure' Joanna Lumley who claimed that women should not get too drunk and dress provocatively as they will encourage rapists.. (I am paraphrasing somewhat but that was the gist). Now, Lumley has a real point that women should be careful NOT to get too drunk because it isn't good for the health and you can get into trouble, but the astonishing assertion that a drunk woman wearing a low cut top and/or short skirt might attract a lurking rapist (twiddly moustache - optional) is quite frankly mind numbingly stupid. Rape is, for the most part, about power and not sex. It's not about men being unable to contain themselves over the sight of a side boob, but about relinquishing control and showing the 'fairer sex' that they might be able to push babies out of themselves but they are innately physically weaker. How about we quit blaming the victims, allow women to wear what they want and start addressing those who are fundamentally in the wrong - the rapists themselves? How about saying to men before a night out 'don't get too drunk and don't rape anyone'.. Or is that overly simplistic? Furthermore, to say that 'rape isn't always rape' is fundamentally wrong. If a woman does not consent to sex it is rape, irrespective of if he/she is/are stone cold sober or has/have consumed 20 jagerbombs and several illegal substances. Yes, there are varying reasons behind rape, but essentially, it is the same crime each time. That. Is. All.

Now I am 41 (sob), my outlook and appearance (if I am honest) is completely different to my 20's. Back then I did used to attract attention from men, and being completely honest (again), I loved it.  I used to get into some VERY dodgy situations (perhaps the most memorable being escorted home by 2 strange Norwegian men in viking hats who took me to my door and I made them tea; not a euphemism, actual earl grey). Nothing happened - they were decent men, but it COULD have been an extremely different outcome. Now I am older and (perhaps) wiser and also happily married so unlikely to seek out any men in viking hats (although if any are reading)......Would Joanna Lumley be shaking her fist whilst reading this and decrying my actions, saying that I was 'asking for it' that evening? Probably. Would she be right? No she bloody well wouldn't. I might have been behaving irresponsibly but I wasn't 'asking to be raped'.

Appearance is something that women are always judged over - men too, to an extent, (especially nowadays)but women much more so. When you're young and beautiful that's a lot more edifying than once you reach middle age... Perhaps women's most staunch critics, however, are women themselves. You only have to open the average women's weekly to be confronted by pictures of 'Z list soap star's amazing bikini curves', Read how I lost 3 stone in 10 days' etc. These magazines sell so they are clearly pandering to our own innate insecurities which is quite frightening. Advertisers on TV pander to this obsession with galling adverts of diet food where we are gently patted on the head and told 'you can eat these caramel slices guilt free'. Gee, thanks. Heartening to know I can eat some cardboard coated chocolate substitute without feeling like a heifer. Women who are older than 50 on the telly are routinely thrown on the scrapheap, whilst flabby, baggy unsightly specimens of the male variety seem to be able to work until they drop dead. Meanwhile, if, as a woman, you dare to criticise another woman for a valid reason (i.e. Katie Price for being, well for just being), you are routinely accused of being 'jealous' of 'letting down the sisterhood'. What rot. Women are just as capable and critical as Men and bestowing criticism on someone of the same sex just shows you have an opinion and a brain. How patronising to assume that we should all meekly pat each other on the back 'cos we is women, innit'.

So, I'm sure Emmeline Pankhurst would concede that we're getting there but we still have a way to go. We're still judging ourselves - and being judged - on what we look like, how much we weigh and what we wear. & we're still pretty much responsible for men who rape us being unable to stop themselves. Ross & Lumley - hang your heads in shame.

Broken record....

This is something that I have posted about before and will no doubt post about again: Recruitment Consultants and Agencies.

At the start (as usual), I post my normal disclaimer that I am an ex recruiter myself and have lots of credible and fantastic recruitment consultant friends who will probably read this. None of what I am writing reflects on anyone whom I know personally. Special mentions to those I consider amongst the best: Hannah Robinson, Laura Harris, Sophie Buck, Liz Southwick - to name but 4. If I were to name all the consultants I was in touch with and who I rated, we'd be here all night.....;-)

Again, I find myself looking for work. My contract ends 15/02 and due to the nature of the market generally, my last few roles have been temp/contract which suits me fine. I know how it works and like to consider myself as a pretty good, proactive candidate with lots of experience: In short; a potential source of commission to anyone willing to help! Sadly, my experience generally is that there are so many poor, ill educated and bad mannered consultants out there who quite frankly give the industry a bad name and reinforce the age old adage 'never trust a recruitment consultant'. (I may have made that adage up but generally they do have a fairly shitty reputation).

I'm not going to name and shame the bad ones - again, we'd be here until 2075.

I appreciate that recruitment is desperately busy but the lack of response I get is staggering. I get phoned left right and centre about new roles all sounding promising; my CV goes across, sometimes I get an interview. Last week, I was called about a role at a company in Summertown, the girl who called said she thought of me 'instantly' and that I was 'perfect' for the role. (I met this bint once and loathed her on sight as found her incredibly disingenuous but ho hum). I chased her after 4 days and was told 'they have not selected you - no idea why'. Fab; really, really helpful. Following an interview (also last week), was advised that 'I have no feedback but they've decided they need someone who drives'. So, I took unpaid leave for an interview that YOU as a Consultant hadn't properly verified - I would say that's desperately lame and unprofessional - if I was being polite.

Then, yesterday, the pinnacle of my experiences thus far: I get a call from a lass who has been 'passed on' my CV by a colleague. From the start, her inexperience and inability to listen absolutely shone through. I told her what I'm NOT looking for in terms of location, salary and terms and she says 'I've got a role in Milton Park paying a basic of £18k'. 'That's the complete opposite of what I'm looking for and is 7k too little'. 'Sure, what about Estate Agency?' 'I don't drive'. 'I'll make a note of that'. 'It's on the top of my CV' and on it goes. You expect me to work with you and take you seriously when you don't have any listening skills?

The other thing that boils my piss is job adverts. So many agencies don't seem to have any understanding of age legislation or discriminatory terminology, describing companies or roles as 'dynamic' 'youthful' and needing 'young' or 'mature' candidates. I am also stunned by the bad spelling and grammar that is frankly indicative of a lax approach - how difficult is the spell check facility? It makes you and your company look unprofessional and thick - and it's not a company I would want to work with.

So - my advice to any aspiring Consultants out there:

Drop the bullshit
Learn to spell or use spellchecker
Listen - keep your enthusiasm and inexperience in check (if applicable)
Get colleagues to check job adverts
Always extend the courtesy of replying to emails even if a brief note
Don't make promises you can't keep
Be honest and credible at all times
Don't be over familiar if you don't know me
Always give feedback regularly - if no response from Client after a few days explain this without ME having to chase YOU
Make sure your Linkedin profile is credible and not littered with spelling mistakes
Always give the impression of having a brain even if not true
Always make me feel as though I am important and not just a chore in a long 'to do' list
Remember that I can make you money and if you are unprofessional and lacking in credibility I will not work with you
I have friends and Clients who I will name and shame to, if I have to
Your job is to generate revnue but if you cut corners in doing so it will catch up with you
If you think a job isn't right for me - say - and give tangible reasons why.

You're welcome - fuckwits.

Ho ho bloody ho

Bah humbug should really be my middle name(s) - (I have 2 in case you were wondering - Elizabeth Jane). I digress.

It's that time of year again - 'the most wonderful time of the year'. Christmas - dontcha just love it? Yes and no I would have to say. It is nice to have a break and spend time with loved ones but I do feel it all goes more than a bit OTT these days.

It starts in September (sometimes towards mid August) as you stealthily wander round Debenhams/M&S/Primark at the tail end of the sales, looking for bargains etc and you start to see xmas displays, a few garlands of tinsel, which become ever more pronounced. Then, the infiltration of xmas music, usually from October onwards. (Anyone else think that Noddy Holder must be the most smug bugger in the history of the universe - his wife must have strong earplugs)? I find it absurd. Let's start getting excited about Xmas at the end of November onwards; let's not wish 3/4 of the year away worrying about what size turkey we're going to buy and if Tarquin would prefer an i-pad or a google tablet in his stocking. OK, I don't have kids and I do appreciate that kids tend to get excited earlier on - but even so - reign it in a bit people.

Also, the whole point of Xmas does seem to have become lost in a quagmire of commercialism and in some cases downright greed. People seem more worried about stockpiling their trollies with enough brussel sprouts and stilton to feed a small continent rather than taking time to reflect on what's important. We are supposed to live in a Christian country and it doesn't get much more Christian than Xmas - but do we really care about Christ's birthday per se any more? I would say no. I hold my hands up and say that I do believe in God but never go to church (I think it's a very flawed institution) so I'm a massive hypocrite (ho hum) but if I get the opportunity, I love churches at xmas - carol services, stained glass; just the beauty of it all.

My hypocrisy also extends to another level - whilst I bemoan the inherent greed and commercialism; what am I doing to fight against it? Diddly bloody squat is what. Some people volunteer at hospices or homeless shelters: I have not done this before. I should and will actually think about it for next year.

It's a massive old cliche - but Xmas is not a happy time for everyone. Some people are alone, desperate, suicidal and dreading a time where their happiness and joy is supposed to be paramount. It's the inate saturation of the media et al that decrees: 'You WILL be happy, you WILL dress up lots, eat and drink too much and narrowly avoid snogging Roger from accounts at the Xmas party'. It's all a bit 'desperate'.

In any case, I heartily wish each and every one of you (or 1 of you plus the inevitable google spambots), a very merry Christmas and Happy New Year and genuinely hope 2013 is happy, peaceful and fun. I am going to disregard all I have written here and stuff myself with champers, mince pies and sausage rolls. Well, it is Xmas...

Oh, and as it goes, as far as I know, there is not a Roger in our accounts department. Oh well, maybe next year....

What IS feminism?

I have always been intrigued by the 'concept' of feminism and I guess as a woman, it is a term that cannot be avoided and must in some sense be reflected upon. Gosh, that's a very pompous sounding introduction, isn't it?!! What IS feminism and is it a good thing?

Of course, we have come a long way since the perception of bra burning, hairy armpitted hemp and cheesecloth procurers of the past - or have we?? It seems that if you are a woman in the public eye and you comment upon an issue involving women - i.e. Page 3; if you are opposed to such a neanderthal idea that women with their breasts exposed is news then you are called to task for being 'ugly' 'fat' 'frigid' as happened to MP Claire Short a few years back - and seems to happen regularly upon online debates of the issue. Watching This Morning recently, there was a debate about the issue and the woman who was against Page 3 - and who was, incidentally, very attractive - was accused (on twitter) of, amongst other things, being 'repressed' and 'frigid'. So, they couldn't diss her looks but clearly she has personality defects if she doesn't want tits with her cornflakes. Hmm...

One thing that does stick in my craw about the whole feminism debate is that as a woman, if you criticise other women, it is 'anti feminist' - goes against the so called 'sisterhood'. So, as a woman, if I express the opinion that perhaps Kylie might like to lay off the botox then I am somehow doing the sisterhood a disservice? If I say that Victoria Beckham needs a ginsters pasty? If I say that Katie Hopkins from The Apprentice is inutterably vile then I am 'anti feminist'? What rot. Women are just as fallible and critical as men and having opinions is surely a healthy thing? Should we button it and just up the ante on the man bashing? (Oh aren't they all bloody useless bless them - I mean, how would they cope with periods)??

I was very interested to read this article recently:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/9629014/Feminism.-What-does-it-mean-anyway.html#

I think it's a pretty well written article and interestingly criticises the current feminist 'poster girl' - my girl crush Caitlin Moran. Her book 'How to be a Woman' has been huge and was a cracking read. I must admit, I was surprised at her tweet about the 'Girls' show and multi culturalism IS a huge issue that should not be shoehorned: Feminists are not just white middle class Oxbridge attendees...  Unfortunately, Dr Magnati does lose some of my respect by then going on to mention my nemesis Katie Price. CAN Katie Price and her ilk be feminists or indeed feminist role models? IMHO, no they bloody well can't. Price is infamous and if you judge success purely in monetary terms then she has been bloody successful. However, that success is purely attributed to her selling every grubby little aspect of her life - her tits, her fanny, her partners, her sex tape. This led to several offshoots of the brand - the ghostwritten books, the clothing tat - blah blah blah. Young girls now aspire to be like Price. Hey, don't bother with an education, just get your boobs enlarged, get a trout pout, sleep with a footballer and hey presto - you're a millionaire! Of course, Price isn't the only one who has done this but she has set a precedent and if I had a daughter I would be HORRIFIED if she wanted to be anything like this woman. Am I anti feminist for 'hating' on Price? No I bloody well am not - I'm a sentient human being with an opinion. (Of course, Dr Magnati herself has made mega bucks from sex but she is also hugely academic - does that make her any better? - Not really).... C'mon - this is a HUGELY clever woman who to 'make ends meet', sold her body for sex. That's not progress - that's the oldest profession in the book! (I'm not criticising prostitution per se - and I know many women have no choice - but if you HAVE the choice - that's different).

Feminism has allowed us women many advantages and to progress in the workplace - which is fab - but increasingly men are finding it tough. Interestingly (and sadly), suicide rates in the UK are now highest amongst young men between 19-24 who are feeling increasingly disenfranchised. Women can have kids now with no male presence required! Yes, there are still huge dichotomies in the workplace - i.e. pay - but is feminism 'helpful'? Does making the other sex feel increasingly alienated help? I'm not sure it does.. Perhaps there has to be a better way.

On an even keel...

Well hello there Blogosphere;

It seems like aeons ago I last wrote some senseless, mindless drivel, er, I mean blogged so I thought it was high time I got my arse into gear and put pen to paper - so to speak.

I have been feeling a lot better lately - you didn't ask but I am telling you anyway. My job is going well, nice people and no stress. No stupid targets, no unreasonable MD's calling every 5 minutes, no '10 visits a week to 10 non existent clients' and no unwashed tramps stinking of beer entering my consciousness. I have genuinely been calm, relaxed, happy and (relatively) anxiety free..Hurrah..... Until this morning - boo...

I was walking down the street to work when I became VERY dizzy and had to steady myself against the wall. No dear reader, I can't deny I like a drink but it's a bit too early even for me. I do get BPPV, which is where you get dizziness when you move your head into certain positions - but nothing like this. It didn't last long so I walked on and arrived at work. I told my boss and colleagues and they seemed genuinely concerned. When I looked in the mirror I can see why - my mascara had run and my hair was unkempt.. Hmm. Boss said to take it easy and go home - so I did.

I'm going to the docs on Friday and am sure it's probably an ear imbalance but of course in the back of my head I've got all sorts of illnesses and diseases it *could be*. I will not google I promise... *Googles*
*Only joking*

Thanks for listening if you did.

50 Shades of Grey

OK, OK, the world and (particularly) his wife has got their M&S cotton thongs in a right old tizzy about this book, right? WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

I freely admit, shamefully, that I am an utter sheep and downloaded this 'book' onto my kindle like so many others to see what all the fuss was about. I didn't *need* to do such a thing but I did. Reams and reams of people have written about it, (including some of my blogging friends) and I felt compelled to write this. I wouldn't call it a review, more a scathing attack on life, the universe and everything. I appreciate some people have read this tome and have derived great enjoyment from it - it has sold trillions of copies to be fair - and fair play to those who have/are deriving some enjoyment from it - but to say that it's not for me, would be an understatement akin to saying that I am a bit old to make a career as a Miley Cyrus lookalike.

What was I expecting when I read this? Well, a bit of a chuckle I guess - a bit of a guilty pleasure like the Jackie Collins books I used to sneak into my holiday suitcases as a teenager. It's so bad, however, that it's not even given me a chuckle or a little 'frisson'. What it has exposed is that anyone can make a career as a writer. You don't need good writing skills, sensitive prose, good character analysis - just write some sex scenes and you too could be a billionaire. (I'm taking Jackie Collins out of the equation because she has been successful and her books are entertaining IMHO)... Fair play right? Er, actually, no. There are so many good writers out there who struggle to get published, who are writing intelligent things but not achieving any success - it kind of sticks in the craw. Yes, I accept that there is a market for 'Mummy Porn' (and whoever created that phraseology needs to be shot), but why can't Mummy Porn be well written and intelligent? Nobody uses the phrase 'Holy Cow' apart from Batman (thanks to Sarah Miles for quoting me on that one and also for giving me the inspiration/idea to write this piece).

I also totally appreciate that by writing about this work I am contributing to the hype. Irony is not lost on me dear readers.

I'm not a prude, I love swearing and sex isn't something that we should talk about in muffled tones like 9 year olds but is this tosh really liberating? Are women really rushing home to hump their partners after reading this? REALLY?????? Didn't you want to hump him/her before this? Perhaps I am taking this all too seriously - who knows.....

I've paraphrased a section of the text here.. (Don't sue me, it's just my interpretation):

'Holy Cow' shrieked Anastasia as Christian plunged his member into her gaping, wanting orifice. Gently clamping the handcuffs onto her wrist, Ana let out a shriek of pain and a giggle... 'Ooooh isn't it lovely being handcuffed like this?' she mused acutely. 'Holy Crap, I didn't wax yesterday, I'm such a goof'...
Afterwards they sat and ate a cheese sandwich and she agreed to be whipped whilst watching Judge Judy.
'Stop biting your lip Miss Steele'
'OK Sir'
*continues for several hundred pages*

COME ON. That is not erotic. That is a fucked up bloke who has no respect for women and despite his wealth and apparent good looks, the only way he can get his end away is to insist on total submission.

Pathetic.

Anyway, I had best sign out now as I've got to dust hubby's nipple tassels and make his dinner.......

It's FASHION dahhhhhhlinks

In the spirit of it being a sober Friday evening (yes, am looking after myself by staying booze free for a while), I have decided to publish my very own celebrity fashion awards. Feel free to agree, disagree, applaud, wonder who half the 'celebrities' are or just stare wanly at the screen and wonder what on earth you're doing reading this utter drivel...


MY WORST DRESSED CELEB TOP 5:

5) Alexa Chung. Obviously I am 'well jel' but every time I see this woman's face I have a very strong urge to punch it. Smug, malnourished twot who is seemingly famous for being bezzies with Anna Wintour and hanging off the arm of northern indie rockers. Sorry love - but brogues and ankle socks do not suit ANYONE over 13. Too try hard and needs to eat some fray bentos.

 4) The Olsen twins. 2 billionaire sisters who look like they've raided Mummy's dressing up box to star as Miss Havisham in Great Expectations. Need to use a hairbrush and find some clothes that fit.

3) Rachel Zoe. Hollywood stylist with the body of a 7 year old who also seems to wear clothes 15 sizes too big - probably because they don't actually make them in her size. Looks like an ageing turtle in lipstick in desperate need of some senokot.

2) Florence Welch. A flame haired, titian Goddess with a fabulous voice but memo to self: Paisley curtains, loafers and legwarmers are best left er, in the loft.

1) Katie Price. A woman with an alleged £30 million fortune who looks like she's ramraided Primark's discontinued warehouse with Stevie Wonder. Would look like a hooker if she was dressed head to toe in Valentino couture or a nun's habit. Nasty nylon hair, leggings and tit busting tops. But enough about her husbands.......


MY BEST DRESSED CELEB TOP 5:

5) Victoria Beckham. Not a fan of the woman but she does wear some very nice clothes. A bit 'safe' but good style nonetheless. I've just paid Posh a compliment - may have to lie down in a darkened room for several yhears.

4) Lady Gaga. She dresses like a lunatic but she is doing her job - being an international pop star and creating attention for herself. Fabulous darlings - although don't think I'll be popping to Smithfield's market to recreate the infamous meat dress any time soon...

3) Cate Blanchett. Fab actress and wonderful style - chic, elegant and very, very stylish.

2) Tilda Swinton. Bat shit mental and wouldn't wear a lot of what she does but never plays it safe - always pushes boundaries and creates dramatic, quirky and interesting looks.

1) Kate Moss. Mings a bit nowadays - awful hair and skin (can't think why - crack is a real beauty enhancer) - but back in the day was astonishingly beautiful. That said, her style is consistent.. She is the epitome of a clothes horse and knows what suits her - looks best dressed down in skinny jeans, blazers etc. Effortlessly stylish.

Right that's it for now - I'm off to clear out my (busting at the seams) wardrobe....