Wednesday, 14 December 2011


Yesterday, recruitment, today - WAGS. Gosh my mind is a frightening, some would say, dangerous entity.

The WAG, is of course a fairly recent 'phenomenon', or at least, acronym. The Wives and Girlfriends of the footballers of this country seem to generate as many, if not more, headlines than the footballers themselves. I'm not a football fan at all (quite the reverse) but I am proud (yes, really), to be able to name several wags: Alex Gerrard, Lizzie Cundy, Louise Redknapp, Stacey Giggs, Toni Terry, and of course Queen Bees themselves, Colleen Rooney and Victoria Beckham. I don't have anything against these women per se... Oh who I am I trying to kid? Yes I bloody well do... OK, well, why you may ask? Mainly it's the look I find totally abhorrent. Nylon hair extensions, the 'scouse brow' (big, thick, painted on black eyebrows), fake tan, fake nails, fake tits, fake heaven knows what else, and despite the wealth, mostly the ability to look like they have a lifetime loyalty card for Primark. Alex Gerrard in particular always looks like she's raided the recycling bins outside Topshop.

These women exist purely to spend their husband's money.. OK, not all of them do, but a LOT of them do. Take Toni Terry.. A tanned, botoxed blonde with tits more pointy than the hull of the titanic. John Terry, her rather unsavoury, syphillitic husband has been proven to cheat on her with prostitutes on numerous occassions and last time, post affair, they were papped (conveniently) on the beach in Dubai with Toni wrapping her golden buttocks round John's torso and hanging on for dear life - a bit like an ill child hanging onto Mummy and not wanting to go to school. John Terry will cheat again - of course he will and Toni will turn a blind eye because she puts her lifestyle - clothes, holiday and money, before her self respect and dignity. Ditto Abbey Crouch: Fiance been caught out with prossies? No worries, get yerself up the duff and inject some collagen in your tits and lips - jobs a good 'un.

Then we move onto the properly high profile WAGS; Colleen and VB. Wayne Rooney (probably the thickest and ugliest man since Atilla the Hun, or at the least, John Terry) has also been caught with prostitutes. What does Colleen do? Look very upset for a few days in the papers, take a few holidays to the Caribbean; bish bash bosh. People claim that Colleen is a very astute businesswoman. This is bollocks of course. Colleen has good Management who have helped her capitalise upon her name and who have set up several endorsement deals on her behalf. All Colleen has to do is give them a cut of the takings, show up to a few important business meetings in a nice blouse and we are all convinced and amazed at this amazing woman who has had a baby AND ALSO MANAGES TO GO SHOPPING AND GO TO AN OFFICE SOMETIMES. Wow, Emily Pankhurst must be sooooo proud.

Victoria Beckham probably started the whole WAG phenomenon and is probably one of the most high profile and richest women in the world, never mind just the UK. David (allegedly) cheated with Rebecca Loos (they never did sue her though) and has other alleged dalliances. VB is another who - allegedly - turns a blind eye. Hubs caught porking the nanny? Call a press conference with lots of posed and embarrassing pictures, get down the fertility clinic, a turkey baster or 2 later - preggers and gloriously happy.. Really??? To be fair to VB, I don't actually mind her that much. She had the good grace to give up her 'singing' career, and despite the fact that when she's naked she's probably impercetible to the human eye being so thin and all, she does wear some nice clothes. Again, she is not a fashion designer or a businesswoman - she has advisers to do all that for her - she gives her name to the brand and pretends that post pregnancy she was up to all hours nursing babba and looking at fabric swatches, when of course we all know she will have been on an edamame bean a day and having a tummy tuck (miaow).

I just object to these (mainly cretinous) women giving the impression that being married to someone with money is the be all and end all and that no matter how appallingly your partner behaves it doesn't matter because what's important is being able to go to Selfridges and spend £40k in a morning just because you can. These blokes will carry on behaving like dicks, shagging anything with a pulse and generally thinking they rule the world, because they can. I never thought I would say this, but kudos to the very beautiful - yet talentless Cheryl Cole, who had the good sense to dump her revolting ex husband for dipping his wick in a bunch of slaggy hairdressers. I've just paid Cheryl Cole a compliment - I need a lie down...

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