I enjoy revelling in celebrity gossip; it's fun and it is fantastic stress relief. Yes, perhaps my time could be spent more prudently: I could volunteer to do some charity work, I could do a sponsored walk to help Guatamalean orphans; I could study for an MA. Nah, sod that; I shall stick to slagging off celebs - it's fun and that's why I do it. To that end, for your exclusive delectation, here is my top 5 hit list of persistently vile celebrity offenders. (Subject to change at any time)....
5.) Lorraine Kelly. A woman with a 20 year journalistic career who has the depth and journalistic integrity of a puddle. Everyone is 'lovely'. She would interview the yorkshire ripper and coo absurdly over him: 'Oooh, you're one of the most prolific serial killers in Britain, how lovely, super, well done'. Her TV show treats women like idiots - 'bags, shoes diets; that's all you care about'. On the rare occassions they give her something tougher to tackle she quickly reverts back to type. They've recently awarded her a CBE. Fuck me.
4)Kerry Katona. A woman so pointless that even our milkman's cousin's postman has more of a right to fame than her. Started out miming in a girlband, divorced and then became a train wreck. Constantly bleats about her difficult childhood (and having seen her ghastly Mother I don't doubt it) but has done nothing to protect her own children against the same fate; indeed, even spending vast amounts of time locked in her loo with 10 grams of marching powder and a box of Lambrini. Constantly claims that she's 'cleaned up 'er act' and that we should cut her some slack. Why? Oh, OK, you've stopped doing coke and have divorced the bloke that squandered all your money - er, well done. You're a grown fucking woman, start taking responsibility for your actions. Seems to spend her time now in 'before' and 'after' bikini shoots in Closer. Put them away love, fuck off and look after your children.
3) Dan Wootton. A showbiz 'journalist'.that seems to get showbiz scoops 3 weeks later than everyone else and then shrieks on Twitter about this exclusive. Awful, awful man who seems to spend his time sweating profusely on Lorraine Kelly's sofa. Anyone who disagrees with him is immediately branded 'homophobic'. Spends his time tweeting abuse to people like Lily Allen. I like slagging off celebs but I don't tweet them reams of abuse. Ugh.
2) Joan Collins. Awful old ham who makes the cast of Hollyoaks look like oscar winners. Spends her days saying how fat British women are and how we've all let ourselves go and then decides to advertise snickers. Desperate for work love? Says that women's priority is to look good for their partner.. Hmm, maybe stop with the polyfilla dear and start practising what you preach. Hideous.
1) Katie Price. Ah dear old Jordan; where do I start? Vile creature that used to be beautiful but has now plasticised herself into an orange troll with comedy knockers and red rum veneers. Claims to be a businesswoman but has no sense: Got her underwear range axed by Asda by making crude comments about her surgery scars and comparing them to breast cancer sufferers. Spent her early 'career' with boyband members toes up her fundament (don't ever google Katie Price sex tape). Shags bloke after bloke after bloke and seemingly has no ability to behave like anything but a vile harpy. Monotone voice which is like nails down a blackboard. Releases book after book after book stating the same old shite and my only shock is that she hasn't allowed cameras into her smear tests. She will always be my number 1. You're welcome.