Monday, 7 May 2012

Self indulgent witterings

I haven't blogged for a while... I wish I could say it's because I've been so desperately busy, living high on the hog and partying with A listers and earning money working as a freelancer for Caitlin Moran and drinking champers in Fleet Street.. But I haven't. Mainly, I've been existing in a little vaccum and temping in a weird little role at The Churchill hospital (more on that story later as Kirsty Wark would say)......

Mainly I have been attempting to overcome this damn awful panic and anxiety that seems to envelop me in ridiculously vast forms from time to time. I can't even describe it properly or do it justice - if it's not something you've experienced it's probably very, very hard to get your head round. & think yourself lucky if that is the case. Oh woe is me, woe is me - plenty of people suffer far more than I do - I know that - and - touch wood - my physical health is pretty good (can't remember the last time I had a cold). So, what is this all about then? What am I nervous about? I'm not actually sure... At my worst, I wake up shaking, feeling sick and with my head swimming (& no, that's not after a night on the sauce, this is just bog standard waking up stuff). I'm terrified of dying. I'm terrified of getting old. I'm terrified that there is something terribly wrong with me. We are ALL scared of these things, it just seems that a little switch goes off in my head and I let it get out of control. I've been on a pretty even keel for months and now it's back again. I've been getting dizzy spells in bed - doc says it's benign vertigo - but even then I am terrified I have some rare disorder that is yet to be discovered by the medical profession. (Perhaps Channel 5 will do one of their docs featuring the 'woman with an unexplained disorder'. No, hopefully not. I don't eat properly, I don't sleep, I can't concentrate - it's yucky.

Do I have a lot of stress in my life? No. No kids for one! Job that was stressful I left and have been temping ever since - not ideal - but not too bad. Yes, I have a few debts - who doesn't - and I have a wonderful husband who looks after me, listens to my endless panicky witterings and gives me big hugs. Why am I even writing this? To be fair, it's fairly cathartic. I am on medication and that does keep me on a (slight) even keel but I do need to look at other things - counselling - yoga, tai chi, anxiety focus groups - anything to get me out of myself..I freely admit that I need to give up wine for a mopnth or so... Whilst wine does take the endges off the panic, it actually compounds the problem in the long run so I am going to address that from today.

In some ways it's quite shameful. I'm temping at The Churchill and speaking to patients on a daily basis who are suffering from cancer and who are understandably terrified. When I walk into work through the ward there is usually some poor patient looking absolutely terrible and I wish I could kick myself and get a grip. It's not that simple though - rteally, if it was I would try it. Doc gave me 4 days' worth of diazepam - great stuff - but again, just masking the problem rather than getting to the bottom of it...

Thanks for reading and huge apologies for the self indulgent wallowing. Still, if a girl can't wallow self indulgently on her own blog - then when can she?


  1. Hope you're OK....I had PND after Seb was born, but I didn't know what it was and fought it alone.....nearly destroyed me.

    The person you are in your tweets and blogs is brilliant. Stick with her.


  2. Thank you - that means a lot..

    I'm VERY up and down at the moment - managing to cope - just - but not particularly good.

    Sorry to hear about the PND - have heard from various friends that it is hideous and hope you finally got the help you needed xx