WAGS

Yesterday, recruitment, today - WAGS. Gosh my mind is a frightening, some would say, dangerous entity.

The WAG, is of course a fairly recent 'phenomenon', or at least, acronym. The Wives and Girlfriends of the footballers of this country seem to generate as many, if not more, headlines than the footballers themselves. I'm not a football fan at all (quite the reverse) but I am proud (yes, really), to be able to name several wags: Alex Gerrard, Lizzie Cundy, Louise Redknapp, Stacey Giggs, Toni Terry, and of course Queen Bees themselves, Colleen Rooney and Victoria Beckham. I don't have anything against these women per se... Oh who I am I trying to kid? Yes I bloody well do... OK, well, why you may ask? Mainly it's the look I find totally abhorrent. Nylon hair extensions, the 'scouse brow' (big, thick, painted on black eyebrows), fake tan, fake nails, fake tits, fake heaven knows what else, and despite the wealth, mostly the ability to look like they have a lifetime loyalty card for Primark. Alex Gerrard in particular always looks like she's raided the recycling bins outside Topshop.

These women exist purely to spend their husband's money.. OK, not all of them do, but a LOT of them do. Take Toni Terry.. A tanned, botoxed blonde with tits more pointy than the hull of the titanic. John Terry, her rather unsavoury, syphillitic husband has been proven to cheat on her with prostitutes on numerous occassions and last time, post affair, they were papped (conveniently) on the beach in Dubai with Toni wrapping her golden buttocks round John's torso and hanging on for dear life - a bit like an ill child hanging onto Mummy and not wanting to go to school. John Terry will cheat again - of course he will and Toni will turn a blind eye because she puts her lifestyle - clothes, holiday and money, before her self respect and dignity. Ditto Abbey Crouch: Fiance been caught out with prossies? No worries, get yerself up the duff and inject some collagen in your tits and lips - jobs a good 'un.

Then we move onto the properly high profile WAGS; Colleen and VB. Wayne Rooney (probably the thickest and ugliest man since Atilla the Hun, or at the least, John Terry) has also been caught with prostitutes. What does Colleen do? Look very upset for a few days in the papers, take a few holidays to the Caribbean; bish bash bosh. People claim that Colleen is a very astute businesswoman. This is bollocks of course. Colleen has good Management who have helped her capitalise upon her name and who have set up several endorsement deals on her behalf. All Colleen has to do is give them a cut of the takings, show up to a few important business meetings in a nice blouse and we are all convinced and amazed at this amazing woman who has had a baby AND ALSO MANAGES TO GO SHOPPING AND GO TO AN OFFICE SOMETIMES. Wow, Emily Pankhurst must be sooooo proud.

Victoria Beckham probably started the whole WAG phenomenon and is probably one of the most high profile and richest women in the world, never mind just the UK. David (allegedly) cheated with Rebecca Loos (they never did sue her though) and has other alleged dalliances. VB is another who - allegedly - turns a blind eye. Hubs caught porking the nanny? Call a press conference with lots of posed and embarrassing pictures, get down the fertility clinic, a turkey baster or 2 later - preggers and gloriously happy.. Really??? To be fair to VB, I don't actually mind her that much. She had the good grace to give up her 'singing' career, and despite the fact that when she's naked she's probably impercetible to the human eye being so thin and all, she does wear some nice clothes. Again, she is not a fashion designer or a businesswoman - she has advisers to do all that for her - she gives her name to the brand and pretends that post pregnancy she was up to all hours nursing babba and looking at fabric swatches, when of course we all know she will have been on an edamame bean a day and having a tummy tuck (miaow).

I just object to these (mainly cretinous) women giving the impression that being married to someone with money is the be all and end all and that no matter how appallingly your partner behaves it doesn't matter because what's important is being able to go to Selfridges and spend £40k in a morning just because you can. These blokes will carry on behaving like dicks, shagging anything with a pulse and generally thinking they rule the world, because they can. I never thought I would say this, but kudos to the very beautiful - yet talentless Cheryl Cole, who had the good sense to dump her revolting ex husband for dipping his wick in a bunch of slaggy hairdressers. I've just paid Cheryl Cole a compliment - I need a lie down...

Recruitment Consultancies

I HAVE to get this off my chest before I absolutely implode in anger... To cut a very long (and tedious) story short, I left my last recruitment job due to stress (I was the only person in the office 99% of the time as it was only myself and my boss there and he was cavorting at meetings and the tight bastards wouldn't employ anyone else......) I was lucky enough to inherit a little money from my Granny so I cut my losses and resigned as I figured that life really is too short to wake up and have a panic attack every morning at the thought of going into work... (As an aside, one such 'highlight' from this role, was a pissed tramp coming in to register for work at 9am - he stank of booze and his CV was a piece of paper with 'CV' written on it - nothing else. He had no phone or email so even if I did have work for someone with 2 letters as their employment history, I wouldn't have been able to contact him anyway.. He wouldn't leave the office when I asked him to so had to get one of the guys upstairs to forcibly remove him.. That's kinda why I was so stressed out, as days like this were turning into weeks).

Whilst I'm still OK for money (although not quite at Tamara Ecclestone's level yet - no £1,000,000 crystal bathtubs in this household sadly), work is kind of important for sanity and boredom levels and so I decided to register with all the rec agencies I could in order to obtain some gainful employment. This is where it gets interesting.. (or not, depending on your viewpoint). I'm not going to name names but fuck me with a rusty fire tong - some of these people are not just inept but downright rude and incompetent. No wonder recruitment gets such a bad name.

One interview with an agency lasted 10 minutes. She photocopied my ID, said 'your CV is brilliant' and then that was it. No in depth study of what I'm looking for, not even bothering to ask me what interviews I've had recently to gain leads. Nada. I email her every week saying I am still available but she DOESN'T EVEN EXTEND ME THE COURTESY OF RESPONDING TO MY EMAILS. Another woman at another agency said that she has a sales role: 'Are you used to working to targets?' Er, yes, I pointed out, if you look at my CV you will see over 15 years' sales and 5 years' recruitment experience. 'OK' was her response. 4 weeks ago she said my CV was going to her client - not a dickie bird since. I know how desperately busy recruitment is but I always used to reply to and update with candidates even if it was just a quick 'nothing this week, will call you if anything comes in, please keep in touch'. I simply cannot believe these people. Half of them keep ringing me about field sales roles despite knowing that I don't drive and some even tell me about jobs in Windsor, Aylesbury and Maidstone. Fab BUT I DON'T WANT TO COMMUTE TO ANY OF THOSE FUCKING PLACES. & don't get me started on some of the job ads around. Seemingly none of them have a clue about age legislation that means that words like 'dynamic' and 'youthful' are illegal. & I could be very rich indeed if I had a pound for every time I read 'must have a good telephone MANOR'. Yes, if you want a telesales job you must have a large house storing telephones. WTF???? You may think these are the ramblings of a bored, unemployed numpty, and, in part, you would be right, but these agencies leave a LOT to be desired. I am off now to apply for a floor licking job at minimum wage....